FAIL!

Boy, was I wrong!

Over the past few months, I accepted a new job that definitely takes the cake with being the bane of my existence. With that being said, I quit, my last day is 7 days from now and I'm sooooo ready to get out of here. Last night I would have to say I had what anyone would call a nervous breakdown. The center of my thoughts during, before and after it...? Him.. the one who I thought I could live without, move past, and someday call simply a friend. Running away from things is hardly the right choice for anyone to make in a sticky situation. I thought I would have a good year this year and I think it was worse than the last few. But, talking helps, writing used to but now you see I'm on here just rambling so I guess that's not the cure anymore. He listens.... All too often is he the positive spark of energy that I need and i neeedddd to not need that from him! I need to find that within myself and channel it somehow without even involving him. But that's what love will make you do... It'll sneak up on you when you think you're over it, and grab you by the ankles and make you fall all over again, even a year after your so-called healing process. Confusion is an understatement when it comes to him, and my head literally never stops spinning when I think of him... so many what ifs... how comes and maybe next times that I can't keep up with my own thoughts anymore, I can't sleep or even eat a full meal without getting sick to my stomach at the thought of him moving past me... But isn't that what we both wanted? To get over each other and move on because it'd be for the better? Because the dangerous love we had for each other was also toxic and we both knew and still know it yet we do it. We love each other constantly and whole heartedly, and I'm not lying when I tell you that it's completely f*cking with me! My writing is crap, my conversation with others is crap, my nights are lonely which make them... CRAP! so what's the answer?

Start all over again? Move to another city (or in this case move back home) and try to fill my time with other positive people and energy and maybe I'll meet someone to make me forget about him? Sure... because meeting someone certainly means i'll fall out of love with him. NOT! Maybe he was right, maybe he needs to severely break my heart.. maybe even literally so that I can't love him, so that I literally don't have the ability to love another ever again and then maybe things will be sweeter, more care-free and lax for me, rather than intensely saturated with emotions and dramafied by my ramblings from an unspoken mind...

Tsk. Tsk... to be continued.

new york, new york

since I've been on vacation I've learned quite a lot about myself and the people in my life. I'm happy to say I know who my real friends are. I met someone who simply loves a good time and knows exactly what he wants in life. ive learned that one of my oldest friends might as well have been a complete stranger simply from vacationing with her. most importantly ive learned how much I bend for people and they don't bend back so I'm done doing that. I'm going to make an honest effort to write more and revamp my blog somehow I feel the remainder of this year is going to bring more positive things my way.

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reentry.

Dancing under the stars always seemed magical to me.
Wandering in between the flecks of gold in your eyes entices me.
Losing myself in the warmth of your loving embrace leaves me overjoyed.
Writing you like the prince in every girl's favorite fairy tale relieves me.

But when does the magic of you and me disappear?
When do I give up on the future concept of you, me and being eternally happy?
When do I stop ignoring the pain that's been eating away at my heart from the moment you left me to plan on my own?
I love that I know your love so maybe that's enough for me to continue turning my head to the negative connotations affiliated with your presence in my life.. just maybe.

Graduation is just about 25 days away now.... College graduation.... what comes next?
No you, no more school... where will the excitement reside without the daily dramatics of how much I dislike this professor or the wondrous escapes just to taste your lips one more time... pathetic right? that that's all I can think of sometimes.. being with you though your not here with me...

Okay.. I'm rambling now.. maybe more like babbling so I'm done.

You Know

you're hardly over someone when the sound of their voice still makes you smile despite the painful memories of "goodbye" or in many cases, "see you later.

You fight the many urges to pick up the phone and call them when the slightest things make you think of them.
He may not text you the same "good morning" but he still finds away to point out the lengths of time between the last time you communicated with him and the present.
You know it's hard to come by a love so genuine like his when the thought of simply saying "I love you" to someone new feels far worse than impossible.
Today, I had a revelation. Despite my plan to move on and let go until the fates decide my future failed terribly because I spoke to him and I wanted nothing more than to be with him, beside him in my bed snuggled up close to him with our breathing synchronized, and peaceful. I wanted to feel his lips brush up against mine one more time reminding me of the confidence he encouraged me to embrace rather than let slip away. I wanted his welcoming arms wrapped all the way around me and no one else and that's when I started to cry because I know nothing would ever amount to that. No one would ever fill that void for me and that scares me....

How do you let go of the perfect true love flawed by a case of horrible timing?

...I guess you don't really have a choice.... so you just do.

A Long Time Coming

Yesterday, I would have deemed it impossible to walk away.
I would have fought to the very last breath in me for this perverted concept of you and me.
But, 21, young, professional, and wise I know there's more for me.

Don't get me wrong, our love compares to nothing on this earth I've ever experienced and for that I'm eternally grateful...
But, the long droughts, leaving me with no escape,
the pain of feeling and not describing... unbearable.
If the gods should will it for me to come find my way back to you I'll welcome it quickly, but for now, the disappointment you've etched into my memory is not something I take kindly to.

Forget about the constant promises of refuge you promised me...
And don't even mention to creativity you've taught me.
Neglect to mention the things I carry within me that are because of you.
Give me some credit for taking you outside of the world you once knew, to show you things from my Simplistic, loving view.

Poetry.... I was just finally deciding to be done with you... but you came and pulled one of your regular stunts. provoking me to explore new puns on words, and igging me to put my fingers to the keypad and write you... the way I did with consistency once before...

I guess i'll never leave you.

Painful Digression

I used to know exactly what I was doing.
I used to envision success, and achievement beyond the realm of normalcy.
You never doubted me nor my abilities.
You always suggested I was stronger than I gave myself credit for.
You used to hold me just because you felt like it...
And you used to tell me you loved me despite how many times I asked you not to.
You used to stop by, just to say "good morning"
and you used to call every night, just to say "good night mama."
You took care of me even though I assured you I was fine.
You used to cure my writer's block, but now sadly... you're the cause of it.
The pain I've endured which I guess you'd argue was self-inflicted, is unmatched.
Music... brings tears to my eyes instead of brings passion out of me.
Writing literally hurts.
My love affair with poetry ended when my heart damn near stopped beating.
But my love for you is the constant in this scientific experiment.
You used to laugh at my worst jokes because you truly understood them...
You used to be crazy in love with me,
Until now.

I can't imagine where I went wrong, maybe expecting this to turn into something more than what it started out as... but I hate that i feel like someone I don't know any longer... and that all the things you loved about me I can't relate to any longer. I hate that you're gone when I need you most and that you'll never be in my life the way I want you to be.
Mostly, I hate that I can only write about you... and nothing else.

Unreal

Enough is enough!

I've struggled with this for damn near 4 years and now, I guess I'm forced to struggle again.

So, thank you, thank You* for scarring me beyond belief and leaving me to clean up this

wretched mess of an emotional state you left me in.

Thank you, for taking away my ability to lyrically express my soul and be free.

THANK YOU for breaking my focus on the prize and making senior year more impossible than I'd already deemed it on the first day of class.

But, wait this goes back to 9 months ago. yes, 9 months ago ironic huh?

So I guess I should start by thanking you for telling me you love me on a purple post-it.

And thank you for bringing me to tears and the proclamation of "love trumps all" at the gazebo near the art museum.

Thank you, for making me feel incompetent without you're stamp of approval.

Thank you for taking the last bit of trust I had inside of me and brutally abusing it.

Now, I'm stuck. I'm stuck in love with a man who could never be mine.

And, even after the final straw had be drawn, or so I thought, I still can't leave you alone.

After breaking that eternal promise I'd made with myself, my heart still longs for you.

After the pain and agony of the end, I still imagine a picture perfect new beginning.

Sadly... I can write all these words full of anger, but nothing changes.

I can meet a new guy and even give him the chance by going out with him...

But, comparisons are continuing to be drawn.

Because although I hate the unavailable side of you,

I love that, caring, concerned loving side of you when you're with me.

So please,

allow me to thank you for making me lose my cool

and wonder aloud, "what the hell am I supposed to do?"

Because, I simply can't stop loving you.